Finding the inner athlete..

There is a big topic that doesn’t get the air time it deserves, and in some cases it is a really big topic. Body shape.

Ok, it is maybe one of the most delicate subjects that I will discuss, after all, never ask someone their weight or age. But is is a necessary thing that needs to be brought out into the open.

Most of the dating apps attempt to fulfill the needs of guys and, to a lesser extent girl, to get an idea of what their prospective partner looks like by asking two key questions: Body shape and Partners body shape.

Now, I am guessing this is where we have a real disconnect.

Guys all think that they are still the same shape and size they were when they were 20. When I was 20 I could go out, drink what I wanted, eat what I wanted, exercise, not exercise and my weight never changed. I am no longer able to do this, in fact should I look at a cake in the window of the Hummingbird bakery I seem to put on 2 kg. Because of this the majority of men, whether they look like Winston Churchill, Shirley Crabtree or John Goodman still say they are either Athletic or at a push, average.

Athletic for a guy means that they watch sport, they walk to the pub, they don’t need a mobility scooter to go to Tesco. Now I am guessing women have a different view. A woman would see a man has selected Athletic and think Daniel Craig, Gerard Butler or maybe even Tom Daley. Ladies, you are going to be sorely disappointed.

For the record the correct male to female translation should be as followes:

Slim:………………………….Skinny, no body fat, think Sid Little or the guy from the mr muscle adverts
Athletic:……………………Fat, Large belly, not at all athletic. Think Matt Le Blanc now (NOT in friends)
Average:…………………..Fat. Larger belly. Average for 40 year old salesmen driving mondeo’s around the country.
Curvy:………………………Very Fat. Henry the VIII fat. Hasn’t seen his own penis in at least 10 years
A few extra pounds:…Never used. No man ever had a few extra pounds
Large:………………………..Morbidly obese. Needs fireman to get out the house.
Heavyset: ………………..Person who recently ate the whole of China

Now the opposite is true for the choice made by the women on these apps. Women on the whole are more accurate but often impacted by society stereotyping. If they are toned and sporty (think paula radcliffe) she would put slim, Sporty but with some more shape, athletic, natural curves then we are looking at curvy. But this is where the problems start.

If a woman puts curvy a guy would think..curvy, that means fat. Large goes further, as guy would think she is like Rosanne Barr. Again, lets add a translation

Term Woman Is Man Thinks
Slim Slim Megan Fox
Athletic Athletic Megan Fox
Average Slim or Large Megan Fox
Curvy Curvy or Large Megan Fox or Dawn French
A few extra pounds Large or Very Large Bubbles from Little Britan
Heavyset Very Large A hippo, eating ice-cream

So, there you go. What’s your body type ?

In future posts I will discuss the misalignment of professions, salary, Height, and politics – all of which are basically completely made up.

First contact….

Star Date September 2016. These are the voyages of the starship …. wait, we re not geeking on this site…..

So, We have apps. It could be Tinder, Bumble, Lovoo, Happn, etc. You are happily clicking yes, swiping right and then it happens. Ding. A match. Someone has been stupid/crazy/mistaken enough to click yes in return.

Now, clearly it is probably an accident, someone new who has swiped right when they mean left, not understood that match mean you might actually like them (based on the random photo and really interesting bio that has been provided). But we are now in a new word. A world of interaction.

Who goes first? Is there an unwritten ettiquete that guys should message first? Should the person who gets the match as you click yes send the first message? Is it based on alphabetical order ? Age before beauty ?

Now I think that the answer is the guy goes first. It is typicall seems this is the case in real dating. The guy has to make the first move (lets not get into modern femist view on equality – i’d love the woman to ask). Or at least that seems to be the rul. But what to say ?

Based on my limited or rather new experience there are a couple of things that can be done. I’ve attempted to provide a breakdown on the potential responses and the impact of each. Would love to get more data and views from the people recieving this but at the moment, its just my views.

Say nothing
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: You need to start the dialog. It is not happening on its own.

Just say Hi.
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: To generic, not enough effort. To casual.

Say Hi and ask how their day has gone
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: To generic, not enough effort. To casual. Which day are you refering to ? Today/Yesterday/Tomorrow ?

Say Hi, ask how their day has gone and comment on their profile
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: To generic and at the same time too direct. Bio information should not be used against someone.

Tell a joke
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: Inappropriate. Dating apps are not supposed to be funny, its a serious business or the joke wasn’t funny.

Comment on world events/politics/sport
Response rate: Zero
Rationale: You’ve views have not been appropriately shared on you information therefore they are worried that they may differ.

Basically, as far as I can tell no one actually chats on these apps. It appears to be a place to collect matches of people who may think that you are attractive; like the little like a card game that kids used to play in the playground with panini stickers. A competiton to see who is considered the most attractive. Some apps appear to provide the stats on how many “friends” you have. I recently saw a woman in the bikini who says she likes to play around and is not looking for any commitment with 23 millions friends. Are guys really that shallow ?

So anyway back to the app. Got, Got, Got. Need. Need. Swap. Need

The dating kit bag…chatting apps

So I have being talking a lot about applications to find dates but the apps generally are a bit rubbish once you have actually matched with someone and want to continue talking.

Clearly there is a whole sub article to write about initial chats but that will come later. Watch this space.

As far as I can see it there are a few options

1. Continue on the app.

This is maybe the simplest idea. No issue with having to share further personal information (although given you will have already divulged the middle name of your first pet simply to sign up that might not be an issue) and no challenge about when to suggest you “move somewhere else”. But remember this. The apps are not deisgned to chat to one people, you (and your prospective date) will be bombarded with messages from others. You need to get them off the app ASAP unless you want them stolen away by a better offer……

2. Email

Oldschool. For those of you under 30 reading this (why ?) email asa technology used to send long messages before people realised that they didn’t really need to. Issue that you need to share your email address. Let me stress here, DO NOT give people your work email address. Despite the fact thye may seem lovely, have the best arse this side of Hollywood you will iverably discover that they are batsh*t crazy after about two messages.

3. Txt message / SMS / iMessage

Simple, easy, convienent, however one issue. Phone numbers. Years ago we used to change phone numbers. You moved operate from One2One to Celnet and had to change, Orange, Vodafone, O2, 3, T Mobile, it was change. Phone numbers only lasted a couple of years, but now, you keep them. I have had mine for at least 15 years, and only changed then as I changed jobs. Do you want crazy person to have your phone number? To be fair, it is also more simple to now block crazygirl2016.

It also has an issue with “the ask”. that moment when you actually ask for a phone number. It is a make or break moment. Don’t ask too soon, it will lead to rejection.

4. Specific apps. (WhatsApp, Yahoo Messenger, Kik, snapchat)

Many suffer from the same problem as either 2 or 3. You do have to give details out, but at least the chat is out of the way from the normal conversations that you will be having with work collegues about meetings, you are having with your parents about problem siblings or the builder who is going to fix your leaking roof. Imaging the issues if a slightly more racy (and they are all slightly innuendo fueled) conversation message was sent to the wrong person. Chaos. So kids, get them onto specific apps and keep them there until you are walking them down the aisle.

How you manage these apps is another discussion, some may want to hide them, others don’t care, but just make sure that children are reading them. “Who is Cougar katie” is a tough chat to have, and maybe one that you aren’t ready for…..

Applications 3 – The finger strikes back

As a follow up to the previous review of a number of dating applications here is a review of another set of time consuming dating applications.

POF – 7/10
The only free site / app that actually lets you do most of the things that you need to be able to do. There are a reasonable number of people on the site however the app is known as “Plenty of F**Ks” for a reason. It does appear that a significant number of people assume that the only reason to be on a dating site is to be unfaithful to their long suffering spouse. Yes guys, I’m talking about you.

They are slowly removing functionality (being able to look up by username has just been removed to the paid version) so expect the score to drop in the coming months. There also appear to be about 7 billion ways of presenting the same set of users to you. I have no idea what the difference is between Nearby, Match, Ultra Match, Meet Me, Favourites, Top Prospects but it is nice of them to provide such a range.

Match – 7/10
Match is the quintessential dating app. It is worth noting that everyone on POF is also on Match so the chance of matching with the same people on each site is pretty high – assuming you are not using different apps as a way of identifying people with different characteristics.

Match is the biggest offender in the “freemium model” – saying you have a match and not deplaying the photo or any details is tantamount to being the prick tease of apps. They seem to spend a lot of time advertising events – I have no idea what these events are like, maybe I will go to one, purely so I can report back on the social interaction and type of people attending.

Kik – 2/10
Kik appears to be the place were 12 year olds go to pretend to be older, and 55 years go and pretend to be younger. It is like the wild west, they have partner applications that add increased horror and concern. It is however a useful way of checking you have a working email account – as they will constantly bombard you with spam about how you are missing chatting with someone (who actually happens to be a spam account for one of the applications). Avoid.

LoVoo – 3/10
LOVOO/LoVoo/lovoo (I have no idea how it should be written) has a couple of really good ideas. Alongside the standard swipe to match it has a radar (I don’t think it “Actually” has a radar, they just call it that) that shows where people on the application are located – approximate direction and approximate distance. It is a shame however that the only people who appear to be using the application are those addicted to eating kingsize mars bars deep fried in lard, people who were born in the top branches of the ugly tree and those who have no concept of grammar/spelling/english.

I am maybe being a little harsh, but thats why I am here……

Snapchat – 4/10
Who am I kidding. I am over 16 I have no idea how snapchat works or what you are supposed to do with it. Odd, functions with no understanding of how to activate them. Answers on a postcard please….

Better content

Just read a really good article about increasing blog traffic at Cooking without Limits. I will take some of the advice and start keeping things shorter.

I think I might also write a similar article “How to increase Dating connections”.

Watch this space…..

Applications 2 – the revenge of the swipe

So enough about the payment associated with free applications. Lets talk about the applications themselves….

I have found a broad section of applications and will give them a review and a score

Tinder – 5/10
(Used as a baseline)
Very good user base with lots of people using the application. Matching based solely on location and age. Chance of matching if you live in the middle of nowhere and are not 25 and look like Brad Pitt – zero.

Happn – 4/10
Great idea. Match is based on people you pass in day to day life (i know, scary, the real world). Interface was designed by a blind child on LSD. Works ok if you take the same route to work, don’t deviate EVER, and never ever go to the centre of a major metropolitan area. 23k matches in 30 seconds with limited ability to delete the matches. And no concept that matches drop off the bottom eventually. They are there for ever. I expect to die with Happn still showing me people I passed in the street in UlaanBaatar 34 years ago.

Badoo – 3/10
If you have a thing for eastern europeans then this is the app for you. Although you can only look as no one ever responds. Oh, and there seem to be a significant number of people who don’t understand how to walk past a tattoo parlour without going in and having an eagle inked on their forehead. That said, limited scope for paying, but there in no point as no one responds

Clover – 2/10
Basically an excuse of social groups where guys can upload pictures of their amazingly huge penises for the world to see, but not interact with. Any women in spunk town, PA want to get down and dirty tonight. err, no.

Hinge – 6/10
Good score from Hinge, that would be higher had there been more people on the site. As it is I think there are three of us. Premise is that friends of friends are good date material, although friends of friends are already loved up so no one is on the site – as if your friends were not loved up then they would be out in the pub with you interacting for real. People are nice however and it has not yet been attacked by the tattoo posy.

Bumble – 5/10
Nice idea. Women are in control (who are we kidding, they are always in control) of dating. Men match, women reject – unless you happen to be Brad Pitt. Profiles are a waste of time – not enough words to explain anything, just gone subscription and appears to have killed the app.

New Applications

So I have found some new applications that hopefully are slightly less scary than Tinder. (only slightly, and may more for other reasons).

The first thing about to understand is that all the applications are free. but they are not really free. In fact they are nowhere near free. They say free, they don’t even mention paying but they don’t work unless your do.

Applications have different way of dealing with this, but none show you what it is until you have filled in 25,000 questions about yourself, your partner, your job, holidays, house, family, pets, car, barber, next door neighbour, first sexual partner, preference for politics, film, books, music, travel, partner (again), likes, dislikes…..

And then they hit you. Thanks for the information but now you can’t…..
1. See any message from someone else. Send as many as you like, but unless you pay, no response
2. Send any message to anyone else. You can recieve as many as you like but no pay, no send
3. See anyone elses photo. Want to know if it is Giselle or The woman from Total recall who’s head explodes, then you need to pay
4. Say you like anyone. You can look, but unless you pay no like.
5. Send more than one message every century. Oh, you said you liked someone in 1997, if you want to tell someone else, then pay.
6. Recall a message, or a delete. You send a message to Hannabel Lector by mistake with your phone number, well if you want to stop it you have to pay.
7. Delete a match. Yes, that person who looked lovely but turned out to be a racist hate bag can not be removed from your connections…..unless you pay.

Now lets talk about paying. One of fee. Don’t be silly. Monthly – cancel anytime, after all, if you meet someone who is the love of your life you don’t need a subscription to sexyvixens.com any more, but the catch….monthly payments 12 months in advance. They have you by the short and curlies.

Oh, and the subscription. it will only unlock one small part of the app. You want more, you want Pro features (makes it sound like a postitution application) then there is more to pay.

Date or meal ticket?

So I have been using Tinder for a little while. Its scary, really scary. There are great swathes of people who simply get rejected for having linear family trees.

But I have matches a few, clearly based on the checklist items that I have so far identified. I have even been on a few dates.

Now, I think I need to keep a set of posts about each date, its strenghts, weaknesses, good points, and even bad points but before I start documenting them I have a general question that I think needs to be answered. Who pays the bill.

Clearly as a gentleman (or a close approximation of one) I will always offer to pay the bill – and being a reasonably well paid gentleman I will normally fight off offers from the very lovely lady sat on the other side of the table. That is easy. But no everyones position is the same – and this blog is not just about my experience but generally the experience of others re-entering the dating scene in their mid 40s.

There comes a time when that doesn’t necessarily work. I am sure there are questions when one party has been rude, if one earns significantly more than other, if someone has lied on their profile, but i am not focusing on that but rather “What if the date hasn’t worked and there is no chance of seeing each other again ?”.

Should the guy still pay for everything ? With a drink, who cares, but dinner could start running in to hundreds of pounds. I guess this is why first date should always just be coffee, or a drink. No dinner.

Maybe that is a new rule. First dates, drinks only.

Although sending someone home hungry is never a good thing……

Checklist 3 – revenge of the match

So, let’s add the next item to my list

1. own teeth 
2. No tattoos 
3. Within 10 years of my age
4. Educated

Ok. So on to the topic of education. At this point I may start (who am I kidding) sounding like a snob, but I really want someone who is able at least show me a degree certificate. I would like to add that maybe this is the first non superficial rule I have added.

That may sound harsh, a little shallow, down right out of order, but I think it is important. It is actually not necessarily the degree that is important but rather the sign that she has at least progressed in getting educated and has shown some level of drive to actually do something. I struggle enough as it is battling my daughters preconceptions about what a girl can and can’t do and having a role model of someone who has would be brilliant. 

At work I used to have little time for people with degrees from “new universities” but I have mellowed, after all I have worked with some complete knobs from Oxbridge-like universities, and the same is true here.

Let’s face it, I’m sure that complete car-crash that is Katie Hopkins went to a good university and look what that did for her. 

Clearly in the world of Internet dating spotting a level of education in some ways becomes easier, anyone using “there” instead of “they’re” should immediately be rejected. I don’t want to be a grammar pendant but I just find myself cringing as someone tells me they are going to “insure they will be coming to London”

A toe in the water

Ok, I have dipped a toe in the proverbial water of Internet dating.

Actually I am not sure I have as what I have done seems like some very odd social experiment. I am fully expecting in years to come a bunch of very smart, socially awkward anthropologist PhDs to announce the results of their very long, very wide ranging research.

“Making use of a website we have collected information on the sexual preferences of a wide range of control groups. Are finding are…”

For those of you reading the social experiment is of course Tinder. Now, for those of you unaware of it (stop lying and admit you know what it is) Tinder works on the very simple premise that people like attractive people. It is meant to also be based on the idea that people will gravitate towards people who may be in the same league aesthetically as them. What it actually is is the panini sticker book of Internet dating. Think about kids in the school playground with their massive collection of Steven Gerrard and Ashley Cole cards all looking for a Messi or Nestar. “Got. Got. Need. Got. Got. Need”

Let us get out on the table the one key things you need to know about tinder

No one actually reads anything that people say

Which means that the site is based purely, solely, singularly on the photo that you upload.

There are a couple of interesting observations I would like to make, and maybe it goes back to my previous post about selecting a photo.

1. Why do so many people think it is acceptable to post a picture of themselves in a toilet (not on, but just in)?
2. Why do people not at least de clutter a room before taking a profile picture.
3. What is with the group photos! I want to date you, not 27 people who you happened to be in a bar with.
4. How do you expect to get a date on a website that is purely visual base on a photo of you, a mile away, wearing a motorbike helmet, in the fog

Anyway, enough of the photo bashing. So what is happening on Tinder. What are the brainiacs running this experiment learning. Let me give you my views on the results years before it is announced

1. Everyone thinks they are better looking than they are therefore will naturally gravitate towards more attractive people
2. Men click yes on far more woman than woman on men
3. Men are generally looking for a shag
5. Woman know this but go along with the game as most of them are also looking for a shag
6. The less clothes a woman is wearing, the more “yes” clicks she will get
7. The inverse of point 6 is true for men
8. Unattractive people do a lot of sport involving face covering, only have telephoto lenses, like wearing hats
9. Very unattractive people like quotes that make them seem intellectual but mean they don’t put pictures up
10. The natural “I can aspire to them” leads to very very few matches. Everyone is looking up to the next rung on the ladder and therefore nobody ends up matching.

I am clearly generalising to an extent. I am sure there are some “super matchers” on there who treat the site link LinkedIn or Facebook and just strive to get as many matches as possible in some ego boosting justification of themselves.

Which leads me on to another point.

No one actually talks once they match

It is almost as if they are embarrassed that they click on someone as it means they were not setting their aspirations high enough. “Oh god, he clicked yes as well, I must therefore be able to do better than him”

Now I have heard grindr works, but maybe the gay community are just a little more realistic about who would date/casually have sex with them than the hetro community but I have a feeling I will be closing down my tinder sticker book and moving elsewhere.

In the mean time. Yes. No. No. No. Yes. No……